We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
