Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
