I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
