So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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