He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
