im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Pants are for mortals
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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