I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
