it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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