Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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