You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
