the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
