So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
