Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
