This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
