he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
