We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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