The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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