I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
