There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
