Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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