I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
