So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
