Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
