i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
