i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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