Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
