Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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