Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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