People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
