Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
