Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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