I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
