Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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