I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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