i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
