my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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