What did we do last night that was yellow?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
