Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
