You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
