I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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