Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
