we're blogging at a bar
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
