Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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