I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
