I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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