He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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