I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
