I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
