sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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