also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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