Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
