I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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