Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
